Sometimes I feel like I shouldn't drink when I come out of a black out half naked covered in puke. Then I realize thats why I drink.
Dude ... paraplegic porn is really creative..
You never realize just how much you have to be thankful for until you almost shit yourself in a Target.
I just woke up with the words DO IT on my hand and six beers in my purse.
she's a dental assistant. she can get nitrous. kinda looks like a sloppy bucket of fuck. time to take one for the team. NEED SHOTS STAT!!
Sometimes I envy you, when I'm not praying for your soul.
You know in a few years she's gonna look like her mom. So if you're gonna hit that you better do it while she still looks like somebody else.
Yes... I'll kill two birds with one crazy ecstacy filled night.
DONT YOU DARE DIE YET THERE IS SO MUCH SEX TO BE HAD
His cat must have been laying on his dick, because now my face is covered in hives
bring the pregnancy test and the margarita mix, see you in 15
I shoulda been born a dude. There's too much power in a vagina.
Eating pizza in the bath tub while watching a romantic comedy alone. I reached a new level of single.
He just kept pissing on the couch as we were yelling at him while he repeatedly told us "its going to be okay".
Just trying to show you I care.
Isn't it supposed to be "what would you like for dinner?" instead of "how do you take your blow?"
Hey, you're the one who asked me to mc to move in.
Randomize
