Um, I don't know who U MEANT to send that to, but yes I WAS going to fuck you. Instead you can go play Halo with ur friends.
sorry about last night, sometimes people just get drunk and have sex witht heir friends
I know, I was there.
Ok never mind. Thought i pooped my pants for a second. False alarm.
I might get fired at work today. I had to prioritize. It's not my fault Cockasaurus came over.
i don't have fun when you have fun. i have embarrassment, fear, and significantly less cash in my wallet.
I am too drunk to make real decisions. I had pop rocks all over my ass earlier. This is not a joke.
i caught him jerking off, doing his SAT Prep. forever alone.
Precisely. She's an awesome drinking companion; yet, not so awesome mother-in-law material.
Did you mean to cry when you finished last night? Or were you just that drunk?
Why do i feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear?
While eating post sex burritos I dripped taco bell sauce on my boob. He licked it off and asked why I hadn't thought of that before.
How many times have we said we'd stop taking Jell-O shots with strangers?
I just found a grey hair. On my nipple. Fuck you too, Mother Nature.
Do you think it's a bad sign of the outcome of the pregnancy test I'm about to take that I was eating a fudgsicle on the way into the drugstore? Would it make worse to tell you I also bought a big ass bag of Cornnuts?
Gonna do a few lines then clean my room so I can feel like my life is somewhat in order.
Randomize
