Remember that dream I told you about where I shit out my own skeleton? I had it again last night.
You kept making up "snapple facts" every time you opened a beer.
Im in a bar and I just invented a scrabble drinking game. People are cheering. It's like the universe has aligned itself.
You handed some guy a spoon you found, he yelled SPOON GAME, and then the two of you spent the next 20 minutes throwing spoons all over the kitchen.
Just came during my obgyn appt. I need to get laid.
My mouth taste like pussy and my dad noticed. Hahahaha
I just closed two deals on my laptop from my bathroom while smoking a bowl, like a bawssss. Working from home is my favorite.
You just yell-acapella'd the theme to fresh prince of bel air to me while a different song is playing in the bar.
Sex on the scooter in the parking lot wasn't the smartest idea. Actual quote from the cop as he handed me the ticket and fist bumped me.
just for future reference, lake water is NOT mix for hard stuff. nor is it an adequate substitute.
Well, maybe we can talk about it over a drink and some crushed up vicodin.
It took me longer to jump start my car and get to his house than the fucking actually took.....
A stripper set a mans ass on fire... the club smelled like burning ass and boxers.
When you wake up and wonder why your bleeding and it feels like you jumped into a ceiling fan, dont worry. Ill explain it all when I wake up.
You passed out in my backseat like a legitimate infant. A really drunk, really horny infant
Randomize
