he was like a christmas ornament you would hang on the back of the tree....not great but still made the cut.
all ten of us were sitting in his room with the lights off and staring at his colorful moving screensaver for two hours. That high.
In case you were wondering, it hurts when the bouncer throws your phone at you after kicking you out of the strip club for taking pictures.
You were sad because he was "taking it out on the plant"
We're lucky we aren't prostitutes by now. Whats the etiquette for returning a pair of heels with blood on them?
Did the game of beer pong go wrong before or after the cops and fire department showed up?
I feel like everytime I call him he's either fucking or getting into trouble. It's really disturbing that he presses the answer button and then proceeds to fuck her harder.
She told me my pubes were as soft as "fine wool"
We had sex on a lawn chair while fireworks were going off last night. It was unavoidable that I got mosquito bites all over my ass
She must've been waiting down the street cause after I said I specialized in inner-thigh-face-massage it couldn't have been 2 minutes until she was on my couch.
I forgot to ask you how long you're housesitting. By which I mean how many bones can I get in averaging 2.5 bones per day.
20.
We had sex on roll out bean bag chair, and then proceeded to sleep with a blanket with dolphins on it. Happy birthday to me.
I think you handled your pregnancy scares better than that cricket in your bathroom
A stripper choked me last night. Then I choked her. Now we're going on a date this Saturday.
Success! We fucked roommates!
Randomize
