This is the worst date ever. Pls kill me. No, wait, scratch that, stick to the original plan of killing Paris Hilton, I'll live though this
I don't know. I woke up in the back of a cab in a drive thru line at whataburger with police lights flashing and my friend yelling" you didn't have to sell us out phil!" to the cab driver.
I want a coyote to ride back and forth to the bathroom because walking is getting old
He called me on my way to the bathroom and told me he wanted to hear me pee my beers out... That. Drunk.
So my dealer asked me if I wanted to join his circle because we smoked so much this summer he thinks we're dealing
Tim and I found you a 5ish and asked how you were doing with the breakup. All you said was "i can't words"
The psychic I saw today told me NOT to text the guy I haven't heard from yet since our first date this weekend b/c it wouldn't go anywhere...Miller light said otherwise. Miller light > Cleo
I mean like if I stood up my head might pull me down like an anchor
How much money would it take for the bouncer to get us beers while we wait in line to get in?
$450 apparently whoopwhoop
A special kind of bond is formed between two people when they act as a pee shield for one another for drunken pisses in an alleyway
i snuck out to taco bell in my hospital gown earlier
Free stuff before I even put his balls in my mouth like wow great start
If I take one more surprise finger up the ass this week there will be hell to pay.
If you fuck up my birthday by dying I will kick your fucking corpse.
Remember how I made that resolution to remain celibate for 6 months? Well, I just broke that
You literally made that 4 hours ago...
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