I blacked out in 45 minutes and woke up with a missed call from someone I saved in my phone as the karate kid.
white trash or talent: driving, 1 hand on the wheel, 1 holding a cell phone & talking & smoking without using hands..in an old beater pickup..
Both
just got pizza delivered to the hot tub. its easier than i thought to be this lazy
just threw the rents a curveball by making french toast and bacon when i came home sober. good luck tellin when im high/drunk now.
I didn't mind getting the stomach flu from him. we had great sex AND I'm seven pounds lighter
I hope the prosecutor is a dude cause my lawyer is hot.
Her mom caught her drunk streaking when she was 12. Of course she's perfect for me.
rumor has it I kept asking you to go to the "tall grass" with me...sorry about that.
Just caught my dad doing coke in my bathroom again. Guess whose getting a new car for christmasss.
Lazier than spoon feeding yourself popcorn and debating adult diapers so you don't have to leave the mentalist marathon on tv?
I drunk-cried for all conjoined twins everywhere the other day.
I just slammed another champagne, swaggered over to her, pointed across the room at the 20 y/o lacrosse player and whispered loudly, "I brought that one for YOU." I'm getting a raise.
Security has videotape of her blowing the boss against his car. Don't they know he entire parking lot is under video surveillance?
After I spend a passionate night with my vibrator, I have to awake and face my stuffed animals. Their beady eyes are full of shame and disappointmet. I can't deal with that level of judgement.
Dude what happened last night?
I don't know, I'm still trying to figure out how I got my clothes back on.
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