I tried booty calling last night but apparently he was too tired and wants to meet up tonight. I told him planning defeats the purpose.
i asked him to tell me something nice and he said "your vagina is really tight."
Omg. Budweiser tramp-stamp sighting @ Wal-mart. Best tattoo EVAR.
We just stood on the porch wondering how you managed to puke up a whole piece of bologna
You drew a lightning bolt on your eye and stomach in eye liner and made me sing Poker face with you in harmonies. I never knew you were still a music major when you were drunk.
I decided that $2 and a kiss on the cheek was a great tip for the pizza girl. No one is REALLY sure how much I've have to drink.
Ok cool. Ill pick up liquor because, well let's be honest, we don't need an excuse anymore.
I heard from anne today. She has a broken collarbone and is knocked up. Apparently florida is awesome
Worst walk of shame everrr. Hopefully the thought of me walking 20 minutes in the freezing cold with someone else's sweatpants, a bra on & high heels will cheer you up today.
Oh god there are people jogging. Fuck off productive people, you don't know me.
Maybe next year when I'm 30 I will be over puking at lunch on Fridays. Maybe
I wore home his HoHoHo boxers. I've never felt such a connection to an article of clothing.
He gets married Father's Day weekend and I just found out I'm pregnant. What do I do?
I just feel like if we dated, he'd just be crying the entire relationship
Wearing Navy dress whites to a wedding is like having a magical panty removing device. I've never cockblocked a whole room just by existing before.
I'm just going to tell you this I knocked up your girlfriend. I didn't mean to I thought it was somebody else I wasn't drunk but it was dark.
The truth is better her than my wife.
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