I love hooters. This dumb bartender is saying how coffee dehydrates you so that's why she sometimes just eats the coffee grinds wake up.
Masturbating after my cheeseburger. It's unavoidable.
you know you've been in a long relationship when u start retiring sex toys
im just gonna turn drinking alone on new years into a tradition
Dude they even gave me free lube for being tested! Best. Hiv test. EVER.
I have no idea what happened last night, but you're the only person I remember smashing my face into. Be honored.
I've heard so many rumors about me being taken home in an ambulance I'm starting to believe them.
She dumped a fish bowl of alcohol on herself. Just like flash dance.
next time we drink: battle shots.
battle shots or battle shits? if its the first, explain. if its the second I think I figured it out.
I'm on the struggle bus
just ordered a number 1 at a fast food restaurant that doesn't have numbers
YOU CAN'T JUST ADD EVERYONE WHO ENTERS MY VAGINA ON FACEBOOK WTF
Hey buddy, turns out those were the PB&shroomwiches, soooo you may want to reconsider dinner with your girlfriends family tonight...
I need you to sex the hangover out of me again.
you going clubbing tonight?
well its tuesday isnt it
She’s 47 and wants me to fuck her on her mom’s hospital bed
Randomize
