did you get engaged???
I woke up this morning and was hoping we drank enough last night to have a unicorn drawn on my wrist. Good News: We did.
so i told my doctor my symptons and she just shook her head at me
I am sitting on my kitchen floor drunk with a bottle of jose cuervo, tryin to make cinnamon rolls and write a paper. I love college
I just saw a kid drop his lollipop on the floor of best buy, kick it because he was pissed off and then pick it up and eat it. I think I have a long lost son.
she was throwing up and singing "I HAD a feeling that tonight was going to be a good good night." And yeah she was still in her dress.
pretty sure that drunk girl we saw climbing the stairs is now DJing this club....
does the girl puking in my garbage belong to you?
I dreampt that we were shooting zombies while we having sex. Is that normal?
He gave me a beer, petted my head, and called me kiddo.
He asked me who my new boyfriend was and I showed him a picture of my sex toys.
HELL YEAH TIME TO KICK THE CHILDREN
I used to sleep with a guy on the USA rugby team... He stole my credit card and my Hitman DVD. I'm more upset about the Hitman DVD..
I sprayed his whole room with my perfume and left lots of my hair on the bed. So now if he does bring her home, the bitch will know this territory is marked.
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
Randomize
