Thanks again for letting me crash last nite. Sorry I banged your little brother.
I just saw the girl you left with - Chris Hansen's looking for you
Every time I hang out with your gay friend, I have to make a checklist of words to look up when I get home. First Google of the night? "Power bottom."
I miss having pregnancy scares ....at least i knew i was having a good time
I just typed my entire senior project presentation on my blackberry,
I told him we can only be friends from now on & he said he knows but that I'm the 'best he ever had'.
you slept with him again didn't you
you can't just quote Drake AND compliment me at the same time & receive nothin. he knows me too well
you pissed in the sink and didnt realize it until it was time to wash your hands
I used to be terrified of what was under your bed until I passed out there last night. Now it just feels like home.
When were you at my house?
For every drunk face picture you send me, I'm gonna send a wholesome family photo.
Don't be embarrassed its me, I've licked your taint.
I'm either a high functioning alcoholic or I'm making the most of the fact that this is the last year that its socially acceptable to be black-out drunk five days a week.
my sex drive just dried up, fell out, and is rolling on the floor somewhere.
That female nurse who took a selfie with my man parts well I was out of it just got fired and arrested... You know all she had to do was ask lol
How was your weekend?
My girlfriend decided the best way to get my mind off of my dog dying was to break up with me via text
sad thing: we were only a shot away from an orgy. good thing: we all got laid.
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