I'm so bummed I missed coconut bowling. It's fucking cold here and no coconuts to be found
He saved me in his phone as Easy Jen. Should I be offended?
I wouldn't worry about it. He has me as "Sex Puppet."
The only reason you're wearing underwear tonight is cause you have a family dinner before
so i turned around to do some reverse cowgirl when he said that this was such a better visual for him. Bad compliment or serious insult. i cant tell
Pretty sure I went to the bar in my bathing suit, sweat pants, and high heels.
I don't talk to her anymore. I lit her birthday presents on fire. Who the fuck puts candles that close to tissue paper?
You promised me a handle of vodka if I took home her ugly friend. Thanks to law class I took for the 2nd time I know that's a unilateral contract asshole
He was very impressed that you could put your hair in a ponytail by yourself while throwing up.
3-9 out of 10... Depends on the situation. Taco Bell is more of an idea than a restaurant.
How stoned are you?
Sorry was covered in semen when you texted me. Just walking back from the Harvard Club
All you needed to say was one of those sentences and the other would've been implied.
well don't blame me. sometimes vibrators go missing and people get angry. these things happen
When the bouncer wouldn't let you back in you screamed "Authority is not given you to deny the return of the king!" and ran past him.
people keep driving by and judging me for drinking natty outside in my underwear at 9 am. rude.
Fuck man, I am really high rn and all I've eaten is different forms of pie
you were screaming "I don't need a shirt!" repeatedly while in the process of taking it off and flashing the bouncer. we got kicked out. thanks a lot.
Randomize
