i just got a Mexican deported. not sure how to feel.
I wonder if there will ever be a day where I don't find lisps really really hilarious.
He asked what my name was on facebook chat. IT SAYS RIGHT THERE. i will never be drunk enough for this guy.
Why do my balls have what looks like rust on them?
In hindsight, buying 4 different kinds of vibrators at once may have been a little overenthusiastic of me.
So how many licks to the face does it take to get kicked out of the bar?
Just found an unopened tied g of coke on the floor in her room... she thinks the maintenance guy dropped it earlier today. This takes the cake for sketchiest apartment.
If your boss lets you sleep on his couch, you don't pay him back by boning his daughter.
They just keep looking funny at me. No one has attempted to tell me that I don't make sense though so maybe they're all way more high than I am.
He left his boxers here. Can I keep them and make a shrine or would that be creepy?
In case you were wondering, yes I did just watch the Katy Perry movie alone on a Saturday night. I'm so alone it makes a noise.
Great. I will show up in your office wearing only oven mitts later today.
Trying to take a nap and my brain decides to play "lets have flashbacks every time you blew it with a chick in college". It's a montage of stupidity and youthful inexperience. I don't know whether to laugh or cry.
I have no idea why my husband is mad that I came home at 4 am & all I want to do is eat spaghettios. It's not fucking spaghettios fault.
Babe, I'm gunna be straight with you. When you act like a dick it makes me regret not fucking my manager last week.
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