Come in. Grab a controller and a beer. We've got some Madden to beat.
You're the best girlfriend ever.
Your brother just informed me that half a mouthful is a unit of measurement. I love talking to members of your family.
the only bad part about drinking alone is that in the morning there's nobody who can tell you what you did
Hey. Can you be so hung over that you get a rash?
I swear she's a drunk klepto...by the end of the night she had stolen 3 bowling balls. HOW DO YOU STEAL 3 BOWLING BALLS?
Nope. He totaled my car then moved back to Louisiana to work things out with baby mama. I sure know how to pick em
You might be at the point of severe desperation when you gotta hold the two pieces of your broken vibrator together just to get off.
Rule travel - in 2s or put an ankle monitor on me, and maybe a shock collar.
Yup on the verge of buzzed and drunk. I managed to make my way into my cat's box house to fall asleep. I'm comfortable
all I know is id definitely throw up if you guys ever dated so if you do stay the fuck away from me
tinder day one and i already had more guys message me about "the girl with the big tits in my second picture" than about me. MY 17 YEAR OLD SISTER CAN GET LAID WITHOUT EVEN HAVING TO MAKING A PROFILE
to be fair she does have a great rack
if people come over to pregame will you hide my Oreos
"Are we not going to talk about how you got so drunk that you swallowed someone's pet gold fish, whole?"
I think I just sharted jello shots
You shoulda seen me try and clean up custard from an eclair off the floor while trying to pretend to be sober for my mom. Fucking hilarious.
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