hey, what are you doing tonight?
sleeping, g'night!
but i wanted to see you :(
sleeping! g'night!(801): i miss you!
stop - you have a right hand - use it!
So... My dad just saw the Plan B package and the beer cans in my backseat.
Oh its cool I'm sure he already knows you're a whore and an alcoholic.
that's the nicest way anyone's ever asked me to send them naked pics before...
that's not even the weird part though. he already knew where the bathroom was, he might have been here before..
I just realized. my grades aren't ready for st patties day...
Which is worse rug burn on your nipples or laying there after wondering how long you have to cuddle before you can sneak away?
She just admitted to me that she was a pinecone.
We where late for the party because we spent the last hour staring at a towl becase we thought it was a raccoon
The best, and by the best I mean the worst, was the 7 month along pregnant chick in the skin tight body suit.
no, I didn't go in the end. Too hungover and hot, plus Star Wars is on so obviously I'm having a naked day.
And then god smiled down upon me and he said let there be hangover food and let it be Wendy's
I'm dedicating this beer to drunk texting
A girl just managed to steal a whole gallon of ice cream. I'm letting her go because that is impressive.
So I figured out why that guy from Tinder stopped messaging me back. He got married.
God damn you Coronavirus! I'm jonesing I got the itch. I would fully satisfy a horse for some Taco Bell or Perkins. God help me I'm going insane but I definitely don't want to get sick.
Randomize
