I think someone spiked my drink last night. .. Like all 20 of them.
He just refered to Steak and Shake as "a good place for couples". I will definitely not be shacking tonight.
I used a physics textbook to prop her up so she wouldn't choke on her vomit...see I have learned something from statics class.
just saw a guy driving a atv down the highway in a tux.... only in Iowa...
So howd u manage to get high at a one year olds birthday anyway?
you tried to fill your inhaler with vodka
Yeah. Not my best idea. But I'm hoping for the best . And by best, I mean not jail
I just told him he had gained a new brother. He immediately knew I meant the eskimo kind.
my head feels like a yellow yolk spinning in a circle at the bottom of the bowl.. i may have a concussion, love auto correct
I hate how much more visible my vomit is on snow, I need a winter vomit bush
It's amazing how hard it it while drunk to not comment "fuck you" on dumb peoples' statuses
My mom just asked if I wanted a mimosa when I got out of the bath.
I think everything's gonna be okay.
Sooo, my mother is snoring, my ex is sexting me, the guy I'm having an affair with is sending me dick pics, and all I want to do is sleep!
You invited these random guys into your apartment that you met in the hallway...& then you started screaming at them to get out cause you didn't know who they were.
OMG OMG OMG Ive hit the penis jackpot
It seriously took everything in my power not to sleep with him
What did it come out and serenade you? Lol
It sang to me in the dark. It was magical
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