You know you want to come over later
1:27a: Um no
1:45a: Maybe
2:05a: Probably
2:38a: I'm outside, let me in
just accidentally masturbated with tiger balm. best. accident. ever.
I've only been here for an hour and I've already made 6 babies cry.
Happy Birthday
I opened a jar of Ragu so I could use it as a cup. You tell me how it's going.
We snorted a line of cocaine and xanax, and then played a game of Backgammon. It was surprisingly therapeutic.
Oh god I may vomit into the teacup of debauchery.
Just stared at a tree for a solid 5 minutes because I thought a German Shepard was perched on a limb.
posting about faith hill is really not helping you get me into your bed
I just used a beer funnel to put gas in my car
Did I fall on/off the boat yesterday? Cuz my right leg looks and feels like if it got hit by shrapnel.
First week is awesome. Freshman girls prancing around everywhere like newborn baby deer looking for a dick to jump on
Apparently my thong was thrown in the cornfield last night. No one will tell me why.
I made it out of the house. Success.
It's not better out here. I'm at Target hyperventilating in the aisles.
Just got thrown out of the club for making condom water balloons. I'm not ashamed.
Just puked. First it was bright neon blue then it turned to bright lime green. How does that even happen? And wtf was I drinkin last night?
Randomize