found a strand of your hair in my car. it's 1 ft 7 inches long
wtf you measured my hair?
Just jerked off to Cameron Diaz in "My Sister's Keeper". New low.
i lost my airplane ticket and tried to board with a bar receipt in all the confusion. i have officially lost all brain cells in college.
Do you ever just look at me and get embarrassed?
The next time you try to involve a tickle me Elmo in my orgasm, I'm leaving you
Had to belly crawl across the floor to the toilet with my eyes closed to puke my life out without making my hangover worse. Three times.
We decided this year instead of not participating in Halloween at all we are going to hand out free beers to the parents.
No memories of receiving this. Or of getting home. Or of apparently developing a taste for marmalade, which I assume is yours because I have literally never eaten it before. It's all over the kitchen. And my phone. And in my hair. Oh god I wish I wasn't on the train to work. X And sorry about the kitchen x
Apparently I tried my hand at mustard juggling. I wasn't very good.
drinking vodka, listening 2 smh at 530am slow cooking beef stew. you'll enjoy the stew and worry abt me in the morning. bon apatite
You spent the entire night trying to get me to make out with you
yeah I remember. your boyfriend shouldnt have cheered me on though.
I put a bagel at the end of my bed so every time I want a bite I have to do a sit up
I am naked and annoyed.
I AM GETTING LAID TONIGHT YES HAPPY DAY PRAISE JESUS ALMIGHTY IN HEAVEN DEAR GOD CHRIST YES DADDY YAAASSS
But he said I was unpatriotic for not having sex with him. What was I suppose to say to that?
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