Someone told me they could tell we were from cincinnati because we say "as fuck" after adjectives
yeah so i didn't even realize i was on meth until the next morning
and that's how I found out my dad doesn't believe in towels... holiday magic.
I always have trouble explaining my life decisions to people over the age of 30.
It's like the bermuda triangle of cat puke
Hello. You don't know me, but word on the street is that we are now eskimo sisters. I feel like we should go out for coffee and compare experiences.
Wake up. Eat bread. Find your dignity. Don't be late for work again.
I just got called the stable friend. This makes me super uncomfortable
I threw your vagina at him like a grenade. And sweet Jesus he caught it like a champ
I still have to bake cookies and shave my legs so Mike can have MILF & cookies when he gets home.
How drunk is too drunk to be on an airplane?
Let's do something tonight. I feel like setting things on fire.
before i went to bed i wrote myself a note that says 'i feel all swirly'
I didn’t say it was classy, I said it was sexy
BRB. These cougars are squabbling over my junk and one of them is offering to pay my tuition
Randomize
