the real housewives reunion is on...i wanna see if danielle can look any more surprised than the facelift allows
i wanna see dina punch her face back to normal
we sat in the hammock and pretended we were skydiving for three hours. jack actually started crying when i convinced him his chute didnt open.
The cops found weed in michael jacksons house today...it makes up for the child molesting, I like him more now.
I'm trapped in whichever ring of hell is populated by inbred yokels and type 2 diabetes.
we're at Rob's house and just invented the best drinking game ever....we are on Chatroulette and everytime we see a dick we all have to drink.
Apparently everytime he put me down to bed I escaped out the window, I faintly recall climbing into the canoe in the back yard, and air paddling.
I don't have any food so I made a martini so I could eat the olives. Don't tell me I can't think outside the box.
I'm deleting all the photos of dicks off my phone. This relationship could be serious
I knew it was a good Wednesday night when I woke up tucked in to NOT my own bed with my beer helmet, an empty bottle of Jose, and a trash can placed in front of my face.. Happy 20th!
i have officially banned the recreational use of bayonets.
For the record, just because I'm a mess doesn't mean I don't know what I'm talking about when I give you advice. I'm way better at other people's lives.
You drink too much. You cuss too much. You have questionable morals. You're everything I've ever wanted in a friend.
Today one of my patients offered me pot brownies. Medical school worth it. Living the dream.
rest in peace liver.
It was nice having you occupy space in my body that could be holding beer n chicken.
that's going in my livers obituary.
Well. Another one of my exes came out of the closet.
Randomize
