And God said, "Let there be Twilight," and it was so.
I should injure you considerably.
He’s a liberal pot smoker and perfect for me. He invented a game where we have to smoke a joint every time you hear a Middle Eastern accent on NPR.
I'm at a party with that guy you made out with on new years. He remembers your name!
i don't know how the hand towel got involved, but i peed all over it
Nope. She just screamed at me "YOU WERE A FAILED ABORTION" and "I'LL PUT ANTHRAX IN YOUR PILLOW YOU LITTLE FUCK". Best mother award ever
im laying here in the parking lot drinking a warm coke, prob still drunk, feeling like i need to apologize to everyone i know
It wouldn't have been a big thing. If anything, I woulda apologized to you and cleaned the remote
btw my roommates send a round of applause to you and that guy you tried to fuck on our wall. Additionally they hope he got it in.
If you're wondering where your left shoe is you lost it in a bet with a homeless guy last night
Apple should advertise that their phones are puke-proof. They would appeal to a whole new audience.
Her neighbors? They're nice. Young family. Tried not to get puke on their side of the lawn.
Mom and dad should be so proud half of their children have gotten naked in the same local grocery store
I'm trimming my pubes right now and the battery was wearing down. So I chose to only trim one side. I cut the right side down and now I look like pubic two-face. Right all trim and near and left like a caveman.
Got really high to see my fist college experience unfold. Too high to find my classroom but I found the McDonald's down the street
I think i just made eye contact with his roommate... while doing reverse cowgirl. Yup i have no shamee
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