Tell her to not eat the pizza she threw up on.
Tell me the dirtiest joke you know
Sarah Palin
god, I love you
how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
I just bought 4 bottles of wine in sweats at 530 on a monday night. Fuck law school
Get out here. Doing shots with the delivery guy. Also, the food is here
I just found a video on my phone from last night of you yelling, "you can't fuck me!" at least 20 times
currently wearing a football players overly sized underwear. discovered a shot count on my leg. I'm a tank hahahhh
we are blowing up condoms and making balloons and we’re drunk on the floor. You could have come to school here
I'm in a waiting room at the hospital - and there's a dude here who is WAY too proud of his urine sample.
I drank a girls breast milk at this wedding. Shit was next level
Honestly you'd think more guys would be happy to date a cute female dealer, but apparently something about safety or whatever
So my mom wants to hear about my weekend. How do I make licking cupcake frosting off your face while high not sound like just that?
we're gonna read the declaration of independence and do a shot for every word he doesn't understand.
A black cat walked my drunken ass home last night and made sure I made it back into the apartment safe. Sat with me for 30 minutes as I struggled to unlock the door. Guardian angel or drunken hallucinations?
i have a serious question for you... Why I am i not wearing any pants?
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