I cockslap morals
Fun fact: tonight on intervention was the guy who did my tattoo
Wish you were here....
And I wish your mouth was around my cock, but that never happens, does it?
My bosses just told me they met their wives on one night stands. I'm stoked.
He poured syrup on all those broken dishes because "syrup is magical, and by the time we wake up, they'll be fixed."
If she were to ever cheat on her husband, I'm positive I'm the the go to guy. Which flatters me and weirds me out at the same time.
Sarah likes to play this game where she leaves her thongs at every party. she hides them where hopefully gf's will find them. I caught her naked from the waste down in my freezer this morning
I told him if he wanted to lose weight he had to learn self control. Less than ten minutes after that I ate a cookie off the floor...
I should be done at 8 and I've also done a great Job of convincing my self that I should get really drunk tonight
Nope we are at the ER my brothers crazyass neighbor kinda stabbed him in the neck. He's gonna be fine.
Hungover playing piano at a baptism I am the PICTURE of class I feel like I should be struck by lightning
I'm kinda glad you won't be in Vegas tomorrow because you'd make us go streaking or throw dead animals at them.
Cocaine bath bombs are a really bad idea
Even in drag you're still better looking than your sister.
It's starting to get sad how I have this 'new beginning' feeling after every negative pregnancy test
Randomize
