my facebook friend requests are always from girls of boyfriends i have fucked, facebook is the worst reminder of shame
So I went out tonight...met a guy who slightly resembled my dad,huge creeper, he asked me to "hang out" so I gave him my moms number since he was more her type:)
it turns out jennifers body is not good to beat off to. yeah its megan fox but when she pukes up blood = goodbye boner
just heard a glass bottle fall in lecture and my first thought was to yell party foul.....is it friday yet?
Walking down the street trying to find the pants I had on last night
I need to do something profound in the next three and a half years so that when my kids ask what I did in my twenties I have something to say other than "made bad decisions"
It's tough not drinking when the bartender adds rum to your coke without telling you, and doesn't charge you
Where's Taylor bro?
Never mind found him under the sink
i don't think fitbit tracks "flipping the fuck out" as activity.
I had sex in an engineering office last night. So that could be your life. I was mounted on top of a sketch of a future parking lot for a maintenance building. If that's not romantic, idk what is
Lies! You took my virginity, and now my cigarettes!
Between his smile and monumental dick even the virgin mary woulda blown that man and I am far from the virgin. I didn't stand a chance.
Banged a guy with 2 broken arms once. Top that
The longer the dick, the closer to Jesus when you’re on top.
Aww well I’m kinda unsober so probably best
Randomize
