i found the vodka. it was hiding in the orange juice.
Threw my underwear in my purse as I was running away after sex last night, went to pick up my birth control prescription this morning, took out my wallet and accidentally flung my sweet thong onto the counter in front of the cashier. Think that was the universes way of telling me I am a whore.
I smell like I just crawled out of a bottle of champagne and landed on the floor of taco bueno.
Apparently I blacked out and pissed all over the sliding glass door from the inside, as everyone watched from the outside helplessly....
You tried to luge a beer down a flip flop.
I'm so glad I got to use the word gutterslut before 11:00a today.
Everything smells like vodka and bologna. WHAT DID YOU DO?
I just gave parenting advice and had a discussion about the distribution of wealth in america...in a bar. I'm starting to think its me and not you lol
So a guy died and our dates revived him with CPR. Good night?
This girl braided my pubes while i was asleep. Now i cant get them undone.
I put a zucchini in my pussy for you
Just spent 10 minutes washing away my own puke. This gas station lady loves me.
I ate mushroom chocolates & went to the botanical gardens for Christmas. HAPPY FUCKING HOLIDAYS
Being pregnant feels like you have a hangover everyday.. Don't listen to what anyone says about how wonderful it is
His mom let me come to his house for a Booty call at 4am. She even cooked us breakfast in the morning and told me im a better moaner than his girlfriend of 4yrs.
Randomize
