This is your typical "sorry i got drunk and tried to seduce you into having sex while you were throwing up" text.
Yo, my girl thinks she's pregnant, so I've got a DD for the wedding. Sweet.
I just watched the Dark knight, Maggie Gylennhaal looks like Katie Holmes after a stroke
I'm not going to blow you while you look at fish on the internet.
My mom is such a hoarder. I found a deer candelabrum last night, it had antlers has candle holders. It was like a redneck menorah.
She gave me a bj in her parent's kitchen while I ate the rest of her mom's birthday cake. Fuck. Yes.
This dude is being a total douche
Just because it's Christmas Eve does not mean the liquor store has to give you a free bottle of peppermint schnapps
Can I have my ID back now or are you using it to crossdress again?
I just look @ having a child spit on you as another form of birth control. I think my ovaries just tied themselves in a knot.
The doctor that gave me my std test is trying to hook me up with her daughter lol
Oh no. Not her. Her personality clashes with mine in ways that would make me wanna beat myself with a stick.
I need to stop getting high and watching documentaries. Wanna go to Japan with me and protest the mass genocide of dolphins?
I forgot to respond before, I was apologizing for confusing sex with secret Santa.
remember that party we went to sophomore year where we found that girl and had the orgy? Im totally at that house right now.
Do you just want me to shit in a Jack-o-latern
Randomize