we thought you were sober enough for a movie but you took one look at emily blunt and screamed "aw this bitch?!" and passed out 30 seconds later
Important life lesson - flammable and inflammable mean the same thing
I found a ladder. I don't know where I am. Gonna climb it. I feel like aladin
I just overheard this sorority girl saying "It's like trick or treting but for alcohol and with no costumes." I'm jealous.
I didnt finish. My brain kept playing the duck tales theme thru the entire blow job
Went to put my shoe on and asked myself why I left a sock in it. I didn't. Needless to say I found our used condom.
Dude he took a shit in the lake and it just floated around and lingered near our boat for 2 hours. I fucking hate that kid
He wrote on the bartenders notepad "phone?" So I wrote back "911"
If you're going to be single forever, you should try the quesalupas at Taco Bell.
If the smell of things stopped me from putting things in my mouth. I wouldn't be popular with Grindr guys.
Is it sad or funny that I just bought two pregnancy test at the dollar store to give away to people on New Year's Eve while driving for Uber.
Why can't he just dump me? This is like a baby seal clubbing the hunter
Well, he kept asking me if I was going to murder him once we got upstairs. It sort of killed the mood.
Wow. I want to climb Santa. You've made my mind go places I wasn't prepared to explore.
We smell like vodka and hangover
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