Yo, my girl thinks she's pregnant, so I've got a DD for the wedding. Sweet.
Lesson 1: you can't keep macking on a girl if you get handcuffed
I just deleted all the drug dealers from my phone, I guess this is growing up
I don't really want to explain to you right now but i just ate laundry detergent
saw a man tazing a raccoon in the middle of the street last night... normal
He told me he breastfed 'til he was six. That explains the obsession with me getting fake tits. Is it a red flag?
He's going to regret telling me he doesn't care if i shave or not...
I'm in that weird half-dead, half fucked-simultaneously-in-every-orifice-by-a-bus-and-it-wasn't-a-good-time state.
I have cobwebs on my vagina for halloween. And bats fly out when I open my legs.
My boobs keep hanging out of this shirt. I think thats the style I'm going for tonight
He sends me pictures of his dogs and I send him my tits, it's a win win situation
All I want is a wedding with a dress and a veil and where I can go and my cat can go.
Why did you have to tell me he has a hammer cock? Now I can’t stop staring at his pants.
A world without bacon flavored condoms is not one I want to live in.
If i'm not ready, make sure i'm alive. Not passed out dead in the shower.
I'll still do breakfast to celebrate the life you've had.
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