Hypothetical question: If I threw up in the dishwasher do I clean it up or just turn it on? :(
becoming an adult blows. i don't think its possible for me to wake up for anything that doesn't involve kegs and eggs or half naked bums passed out in our yard.
I have teeth marks. Like distinct upper and lower jaw.
Yeah me too. My shoulder looks rabid.
I need your advice and before you say it, no, it cannot be solved by a blow job
You clearly don't understand the power you wield with your mouth.
Also, new rule: You are no longer allowed to send me a text with the word "dildo" in it before 10am.
at first i was on the bathroom floor cuz i was hungover. now im just here because it is cool
Your grammar in that last text message was so awful.. My vagina wants to go crawl in a hole, and never speak to you again.
Before we fucked we both mutually agreed not to tweet about it.
Ugh. I guess I'm crying loudly or something. My mom just came in and gave me milk, chocolate, a Xanax, and her weed "for the break up blues". Her ways of affection are so odd.
Nothing more ironic than raw dogging some random Asian hottie last night and then doing the walk of shame home from her place mixed in with the participants of the AIDS walk
I've spent hours masturbating before. It's actually my favorite Sunday activity
the wedding party just walked in to the song eye of the tiger. i'm getting drunk.
he sent a dick pic to my best friends phone for me cause mine died lol pretty sure he was regretting that night outta town.
Just discovered I was so fucked up last night I called in sick to work... TWICE
because he's a firefighter, wouldn't sleeping with him be like saying thank you to the community?
Randomize
