I just ate a drumstick out of the garbage. I need a life coach.
A freshman just woke up on our back pourch... He swears there was a party here last night but we didn't have one
Day 3 of Lent and I would already kill a puppy if God would give me permission to masturbate
YouTube is recomending me a video on how to make a home made meth bong, what has my life come to?
I don't remember much but I remember it was a unanimous decision that Santa was indeed real and Cait's stripping somehow proved this.
You wouldn't know anything about the tooth on ice in my freezer would you?
I woke up with flowers, a tiara & pasta salad in my bed. Tequila makes me act like a fat Disney princess
No, seriously, I've slept with 3 guys this month.
It's ok, February is a short month
We decided to keep having sex while I ordered the pizza. I wanted extra pepperoooooooooooooni.
2 girls slept in my bed with me. 3 more girls slept on a mattress on my floor. The furthest I got was cuddling. Here's my man card.
I haven't been sober in 4 days.
Then be sober
No.
My fridge door just caught on fire somehow.
Lots of tissues. Maybe pizza. Only time will tell. The stages of political grief.
My parents heard a lamp fall and crash and the dogs were barking like crazy so my mom got up to check. she found you peeing in a corner by the tv. And you kept shhhing her.
So, I can officially cross "getting eaten out in a church confession booth" off my bucket list.
Randomize
