If he eats mayonnaise, he's not getting laid. End of story.
So High I just made Cadbury Coffee. I don't know what it is yet, but it involves Cadbury Eggs and coffee.
I didn't realize how much I missed him until his balls were back in my mouth..
What happened on tuesday that a stripper knows my full name?
she won't be coming home tonight because she tried stealing a baby giraffe from the zoo
Woke up at 4:30am to my little brother shaking me. Apparently I fell asleep naked on my kitchen table waiting for the toaster to pop. 2 years of college completed and i still havent learned my drinking limit...
He booked us a hotel at a resort in cancun for sprng break... I just wanted to get laid this weekend when i was blackout i didnt know it was gonna spiral into a mess of events like a 5 month in advance commitment
Apparently "he pulled out..mostly" is not a valid reason for thinking there's no way i can be pregnant to the nurses at the student health center.
I spent most of the night convinced it was my birthday. But I was probably wrong, it can't be January, can it? I'm 90% sure its not. But maybe. The days have got shorter. Is this what unemployment feels like to everyone?
i was giving head the other day and thought of your all penis tastes the same quote and couldnt stop laughing
I think it's gonna be hard to find a guy that won't take my consistent drinking as alcoholism
the bad thing about being great at twerking is that I'm powerless to stop myself from doing it when I'm drunk and in public.
Yeah she let me pull the goalie and wear my USA flag like a cape since it was the first day of the world cup
So I ate half a jar of mayo because I thought it would cure a hangover. I thought wrong.
In other news, I’ve officially fucked a grandpa.
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