If the pens lose tonight I'm gonna drive to Detroit and burn 8 mile to the ground.
Actually I may do that regardless. Probably get my own holiday.
My mom is giving me a "don't tape yourself during sex" talk. It's going to be a long car ride.
She said "You blew my mind last night." and I said "nah, I just blew my load." and her mom heard.
Was just told that I was slipped 2 hits of acid in my in flight drink before takeoff. 8 hours to Germany wish me luck
Eating a muffin with a knife and fork. Hangovers have hit a new low.
Like there's an 87% chance I'll end up on the bedroom floor demanding sex while freestyling in your face. I'm going to buy rum.
He needs a high five right to the fucking mouth. With a chair. Or an atomic bomb.
Why were you eating a hot dog in the bathroom at 230 am?
My roommate was sleeping, I thought it would be rude
That freshman guy that keeps trying to hook up with me just saved someone's life ... Should I reconsider?
Also one of my neighbors is blasting "pumped up kicks" and possibly butchering some chickens
I smell like hot dogs and captain morgan it's 11:20 am what is my life
Note to self: Calvin Klein's are not safe to shit in.
On my way to return shoes I bought so that I can afford to buy a pregnancy test. Is this adulthood?
He fucked my brains out then fed me cheese and peanut butter. I might be in love.
Decided to stay sober a couple days, learned how exceptionally stupid my coworkers are. Might have to quit now. Moral of the story:be careful where you go sober.
Randomize
