She thinks she is all that and a bag of skittles but I'm definitely not tasting the rainbow...
That's it, I refuse to live in a world where sparkly vampires beat Batman at anything.
Also, I once came to the conclusion after this one boy, that her pleasure condoms are a college boys version of flowers
we found you standing over and eating out of my neighbor's garbage can
If I come over right now will you promise to distract your grandpa in the morning so I don't have to do the walk if shame with 1940's style judgement?
Can you deep fry cheerios do you know? crucial question
I don't think he understands the importance of corndogs. Or condoms for that matter.
I found this letter on my leg this morning "dear sober self- we are one body now. It's weird but get used to it because it already happened" who the fuck is lionman?
I think my uterus is still laying in your bed somewhere under the covers.
You overflowed the toilet cuz you tried to flush apples. you said they were singing too loudly
I've never been more scared for my virginity in my life. And I lost my virginity almost 6 years ago.
It's 6am and I had to explain to the gas station attendant why I didn't have shoes on and I'm covered in maple syrup.
All I wanted to do was come home from work and masturbate for national sex day... I sliced my the tip of finger giving myself a pedicure so I can’t even do that #singlelife
I’m the skeleton in his closet, but I only come out on Tuesday and Thursday afternoon and when his wife is out of town
I’m tired of his bullshit and premature ejaculation. I’m going to hotel bars and finding a guy who is DTF
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