I love how you send me nude pics of girls you're fucking and name them by which city they're in instead of their name. "This is Nashville, this is Tupelo, this is Jackson..."
He asked if I wanted to blow his flute? Please call me and pretend there is a family emergency!!!
her parents were awake and in the next room. i think i deserve a big fucking medal for that orgasm.
It's like the only way I know how to apologize is by giving a blow job.
it's been a while because I don't count the hooker
I told you I'm not going to the Phillies game until we're tripping balls
I just used my AAA membership to fix a strippers flat tire in return for a lapdance...does that make me a bad person?
I wonder how your parents would feel if the scarf they gave me for Christmas is mainly being used for a blindfold during sex...
My fall semester strategy is to submit my papers with a nude selfie
You've got post-grad studies written all over you
She looks like a beluga.
I want to splash her with water and when she screams say "I didn't want you to die. You looked parched"
Sometimes I wish I lived alone because there would be no one to judge me if I wanted to have whiskey and popcorn for breakfast.
He uses Bing as his search engine...but he's great in bed. So obviously I'm torn.
i gotta stop hooking up with people just to get to their dogs
I told him I just left the convent and really wanted a man. He fell for it. Sure beats telling him I'm a nympho stalker that followed him to the bar when I saw his beard.
It's starting to get sad how I have this 'new beginning' feeling after every negative pregnancy test
Randomize
