if every girl in minneapolis isn't pregnant when i get back to the cities i will cry
Babe, the 4 years we've been together have been amazing. Will you marry me?
are you seriously doing this over text message
hahaha no, but i am dumping you.
I'm pretty sure you're not supposed to hit on someone with another guy's semen in your hair. not even at ihop.
I feel like the only solution to this is to get naked and lay in the shower for a hour then see what my penis wants to do.
Apologies for hacking your facebook and posting that picture of you passed out hooked up to the IV...but we were sat with you on the ER floor for 3 hours, it got boring
i'm just sitting here watching hocus pocus, eating takeout, and taking self esteem quizzes online while everyone is out partying. you tell me how my night is.
He just texted me asking if I remember pinching his eyelid shut with my eyelash curler.
Can I bring some rope too? It's not too early for bondage talk, is it?
I woke up and there was pizza slices on the fucking walls of my room
The fact that I can sew my leggings while intoxicated proves I'm a functioning alcoholic
Stay positive! You think people like sad vaginas? NO! You'll get some!
how do you politely tell someone their toddler looks alarmingly similar to the berries and cream guy
So help me God.... if he sends me a dick pic.... I will make it so he has to eat food through a tube in his nose and poop into a bag by his belly button
Just make sure you put pants on
....then im not going
You know that tattoo place next to Dallas? The naked sexy frog on my neck is proof that their "won't tattoo if drunk" sign is bullshit!
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