Why are you at a bar in Connecticut?
Long story. One that now involves lots of delicious chicken wings om nom nom
Why can't I find a man that likes bush instead of a vagina that looks like it belongs to a prepubescent child!
Because men are children
Touche
maybe i would like her more if 99% of her sentences didn't start with "yesterday when i was reading twilight..."
Dude. Creed is coming in september.
We're no longer friends.
I felt like a fire hydrant the vomit just kept coming out
I'm tempted to see how fat I can get before he leaves me. It's obvious we're playing a game of chicken here.
We are lost. Everyone is drunk and it all went downhill after we iced the bus driver.
For graduation he gave me roses, a giraffe necklace, and a butt plug. I think this might be my one shot at true love
wtf... you literally introduced yourself as "that friend who's going to fuck all your other friends."
I hope you know that means regardless of their gender.
CUT OFF ALL YOUR HAIR COME ON MAN LET'S DO THIS
Never do acid then ask for a blow job while watching 28 Days Later. Heed my advice.
Please don't fuck the professor. We both know that won't end well.
I have 3 vacation days left and I'm guarding them like a gay dragon on a pile of gold dildos molded after celebrities.
Smaug the FABULOUS
Hate my fucking roommates.... Seriously, who the FUCK peels potatoes in the bathroom sink?!
what are you up to?
it's 8pm, i've already showered and gotten in bed. if you wanted to make plans u should have asked 3 months in advance
Randomize
