He said if I blew him first he'd last longer....if 3 minutes is lasting longer, I'm not sure the bj was worth it
watching elf naked is so much better than watching it with clothes on .
On that note; HAPPY 21: THE SEQUEL from the back of an ambulance!!
I look like a herd of wild horses chewed on my back. If you bite me again while taking me from behind, I'm going to have to cut you off.
Old lady caught me peeing in the street and yelled at me and said "I REBUKE YOU"
she's a kindergarten teacher now. The teacher desks are the perfect height for fucking. I'm delaying the break up a few weeks.
He explained how that handle got into our fridge. I think i'm going to stick with my original assumption that the vodka gods want me to drink more vodka.
Maybe you can hide out somewhere she would never go. Like a counseling center or AA
Yup. Can I borrow your penis decanter for my Xmas party on Saturday
I hope you get some kind or rare disease that makes your dick ties itself in a knot for fucking her you lucky bastard.
He kept asking for nudes so I sent him a picture another guys dick. He called me ruthless.
i was so unappreciative the bar was giving out sweatbands UNTIL I casually used it during sex.
Ended up at the strip club, got told I should be a dancer 4 times, got free tacos and my hot TA slide in the dms. How was your night?
Remember, I smoked so you wouldn't have to. I'm like the Jesus of Marijuana.
I think I may have gotten way too used to using my boobs as an extra hand/pocket...almost stabbed myself in the chin bc I forgot I put my fork there
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