just woke up. wallet empty. bottle empty. tattoo in pen on my arm. smell like bad sex. woke up alone. and wall-e is playing on my computer. need answers.
Tonight was fucked up. First my mom called me and told me I had to go to the bar to pick up my dad 'cause he was drunk. Then when I got there my dad was doing a body shot from this lady who happened to be my 1st grade teacher. By far the most awkward car ride home. Idk if I should tell my mom or not.
I'm glad you talked me out of that flying penis tattoo.
I just saw a pregnant woman with a cigarette and a beer walking into the Larry the Cable Guy show. I'm glad my taxes are paying her medical expenses.
No, I'm only going to drink half my paycheck. That's the responsible thing to do.
writing the newer testament. It's the 3rd for the series. I'll update u the rule changes later.
Did you really just text me at 6:35 in the morning asking where the condoms were? I moved out a year ago.
No more stories ab the wkend for co-workers... No one else found "and I didn't have pants on when I got home Saturday night" as funny as I did.
How do I say "I still wanna hook up w you but I don't wanna see your penis via text ever again" through a snapchat
Life update - currently drunk off my ass in the yoga room of SFO at 5:30 in the morning.
Underoos and an IDGAF attitude: all you need to successfully win at life
(Underoos optional)
Wanna have a sleepover and take me to court in the morning?
Drunk in my hotel room, eating taco bell, and crying at Nicki Minaj's life story.
This is why I keep you in my life.
i feel like you should know pants are always optional
not even sure this counts as hungover but like my body can't exist in reality today
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