She was walking with the authority that 2 beers gave to a light weight.
I just realized I haven't had steady access to a woman's body since I was breastfeeding.
They past out watching a re-run of the 1984 presidential debate on cspan
I need to move out. I just walk of shamed my way into a family breakfast party. There's no response when grandma says "where you coming from in heels at 9AM?"
Please stop leaving drunk voicemails with your new black/Irish accent.
oh my god, just saw a man throw up in a trashcan and blood came out of his nose. HES GETTING ON MY BUS. HES SITTING ACROSS FROM ME. FUCK.
But he buys me breakfast and goes down on me THATS HARD TO FIND
I woke up with a pinecone in my hair. A full pine cone.
I was wearing the shirt my little sister got for her birthday when the condom broke. I finally have it back to her and told her it was bad luck
The cop left me alone after I gave her my spare snow cone. It was a hot and humid day and that uniform looked stuffy. Yay stoner me for overindulging in icy treats.
And the view of you in reverse cowgirl is arguably the most spectacular view ever... And I've seen the Eiffle tower, the colosseum, mountains of Hawaii, Michaelangelo's David, and the Mona Goddamn Lisa. Just saying.
Every time I start to trust vodka, it does this to me.
But I am still fully ok with my life choices as long as the consequences aren't onesies and pacifiers
He called me for phone sex. Do you know how hard it is to fake an orgasm, and play Candy Crush at the same time?
Dude, seriously, fucking stop introducing me as "Thomas, with the dick piercing." you are the worst wingman ever.
Randomize
