I'm holding in my pee so that I can hear "Cowboy" in its entirety on the radio
no matter how many times i close my eyes and hit ignore on my phone. i must remind myself shit i still have to see her at work
$22.99 left in the bank til payday = 3($7 jack & coke) + 2($0.89 T-Bell taco) + $0.21 in case of emergency.
math is fun
He had Jail Releases phone number programed into speed dial on his phone.
they named it eva bongoria. i had to hit it based on the name alone.
he stopped talking to me after i tried to use his body as a surf board
This girl did not understand, once police sirens go on, road-head needs to STOP
I think my hopes are too high for this one. The only other bachelorette party I've been to I was felt up by a Chippendale's dancer and smoked a joint with the party bus driver.
I feel like this has turned into my work. But if I get paid sitting under a desk, that's perfectly fine with me.
when my phone is in portrait view you can just assume i've been watching porn. that's the only thing i want to see in full view.
He told me he loved me and then peed his own bed. So at least it was a memorable one night stand.
Just learned a valuable lesson today. Don't open snap chats from 3 am the next morning while sitting next to a small child. They totally saw your dick.
... drunk me broke the coffee table?
STOP TALKING ABOUT YOURSELF IN THE THIRD PERSON. YOU DID THE THING.
The highlight of the night was definitely when you starting telling ppl you could shapeshift and "proved" that by stripping.
I can't possibly be the only person who has ever eaten Cheetos with a spoon to avoid the powder getting in my fingers
Randomize
