So tell me more about the cum that came out of your nose
Zach says you can't see his penis until after we're married...not sure why?! Bt then he said he thinks maybe you already have on the wild animal night!
A 14 year old with a teardrop tattoo just tried to sell me weed. I'm in the wrong fucking neighborhood.
Anytime you have a hot, flirty, married woman that wants to ride you like a horse and slap your ass, you've got to do it.
Yeah, but four times?
We need to buy some popsicles so we can remind ourselves we're good at this.
you called me and cried until i agreed to record a rap about our lives with you
I think my cats understand what porn is. And it's all my fault.
You know what's soul crushing? Walking to subway and find out you were too drunk to put on shoes and being denied service.
Um. I literally have no words.
I swear to god there was like a 2-second timespan in which he went from laughing to coughing, hiccuping, and subsequently projectile vomiting into the grass. There is literally a line in the grass, about 2 yards long, of his puke. It was more impressive than disgusting to be honest. And then he just shrugged and said "I have no idea where that came from."
He tried to tell me that that stripper was his aunt..
i spent most of last night convincing myself that dan akroyd wasn't actually standing in my bathroom holding a dead chicken
Just to clear things up, yes you did lick the strippers butt
You think I could convince him that having sex with another girl isn't cheating?
hey, cheif big dick, where the fuck are my panties.
Two words: nipple clamps
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