I think you came in my ear last night and I had to pick it out infront of my kids in class today
Just paid for that girls abortion on my dad's black card. I feel like P-Diddy.
Last night I dreamed I was having gay sex in prison. That's the last time we go to theme night at the club.
On my list on ridiculous morning after bus rides home, still sopping wet and carrying a giant straw hat is definitely top five
we aren't going to have kids. there's a 50% chance that they would look like him. not worth the risk
I thought she was being abused so tried to go in at the sympathy angle, but the bruises were from pole dancing. I went in at all angles.
Of course the bar would go completely silent right as I yell out "I don't have AIDS"
Woke up next to a tiki torch spooning a plastic flamingo on a welcome mat i've never seen before with a "happy valentines day" balloon tied to my wrist, oh yeah and "i am a cougar" is written on my chest in sharpee and all the kitchen furniture is upside down...
You should come by for the fire station blow job tour
Yea we just broke up
so do we start sexting now or later?
I had to get my boss birth control a work today. I knew going to ASU would come in handy in my career someday.
he kept insisting he didn't have my number, so i called his phone and my number came up as "yeaaaaaaaaah!"
I hear jingle bells and I can't tell if it's bc I'm feeling festive or just REALLY high
One a scale of one to hella drunk, how gracefully can I make it down those stairs
So I was having a really bad night...so I decided to steal a pumpkin.
Randomize
