Just saw a drunk guy marching down the strip with a garden rake. I feel compelled to follw him
Dude, she introduced me to her best friend form Russia and she was a 10. Her other Russian friend was even hotter. How did communism fail?
we can add 'stealing hydrangeas from the sign in front of the credit union because we're too poor to have all of the flower arrangements professionally done' to my list of maybe-felonies
I baptized my dog in my pool last night because he snapped at my party guests, how was your night?
Ok now I cleared out half the bar and Em and I have 5 Jameson shots lined up for you. You have 15 min.
Yeah, you're right, it's a conspiracy against you. This small tight knit group of people who don't like assholes.
On the 3rd day, she mixed sangria and orange juice and saw that it was good.
I'm concerned that this blind man on the bus has a boner right now
They took my balls.
Thank god for federal credentials. Waaaaayyyy to hungover to go through airport security lines right now.
And as the acid sets in, he looks back at the shallow form he used to call his and whispers "3 pee pees strong"
only I would find a long lost relative through a craigslist casual encounters ad
I want to tell you your future: you're going to be having sex
IT IS NICKEL SHIT NIGHT
*shot. Why
I woke up on a different floor than I went to sleep on. Can't find my shoes.
Randomize
