No she wasnt mad! I told her that I "mis-remembered" nailing her friend.
I left when they started reinacting what appeared to be a jerry springer episode
Puked in a cab. Passed out on my floor an my mom put a blanket over me. Home by 1045. I won shitshow trophy last night.
I stole a road cone for their 13 yr old son. Apparently I told him to put Christmas lights on it, and "treat her like a lady."
my mom used to put diet coke in my bottle. i can pretty much handle anything.
I apologize for excluding you. On a better note: the stripper that made out with my wife friend requested me on facebook
The last thing I remember is teaching our waffle house waitress to do the stanky leg and promising the grill cook we would come see him at his other job.
I woke up five hours later with a mouthful of Jimmy John's while clinging to my sandwich.
Just checked my voicemails on the work phone on speaker. Thank you so much for the one of you screaming "COME FUCK ME NOWWWW!" my boss loved it ..
About to go get a free burrito for kissing a bald man in public
he drank all my beer while i was at work and passed out on my couch, when i got home he was out cold and my room mates pig was licking him. they seemed peaceful, so i took 20 bucks from his wallet and left again.
I think tonight's gonna be the night I wear a go pro while trippin on acid
Accidentally typed message to mom that included word "kink." FML. Played it off as autocorrect from "drink" which was somehow more acceptable
I just pulled back the shower curtain to reveal Cinnamon Toast Crunch and a spoon in the bathtub. Ambien is a hell of a drug.
Got my period and a UTI on the same day. Fuck you, Sunday.
Randomize
