I thought it couldn't get worse until she said "Nipple hair"
Showering in the handicapped shower. Im THAT hungover.
I know it's not your turn to do the dishes, but since they're covered in your puke, it is.
the last time i saw him was an hour he was floating face down in a pool... but i'm sure he's fine.
If i spent $300 & took that thing home i would hate myself today.
The pregnant Hooters waitress told me to "make good choices".
Not a chance. She stuck her hand under my kilt and she told the whole table I was indeed commando. She broke all the rules.
attractive or not, he has more than one book on serial killers. i'm gonna get out of here while i can
When you give the bridesmaid toast someday at my wedding I need you to quote Ricky Bobby in some form. And slip in your sister has the vagina of awesomeness. That is all.
I'm at the point where I'm gonna write in my mothers bday card. Happy birthday. Please stop having sex with the door open.
I don't care that you had sex on my bed. I care that you used my lollipop condom. I was saving that for a special occasion
It was a special occasion. Your best friend had crazy awesome sex on your bed. Thank you
Why did you just send me a picture of your dinner?
CAUSE LOOK HOW MUCH SPAGHETTI I'M EATING
Her rack rivals that of the deer I shot last season. You need to get after that.
I'm the only person I know who could have actual sex and then dream about my vibrator.
Can I come kidnap you from work so we can chug mimosas? My little brother has a ski mask I can borrow.
Randomize
