im at the bar and i misjudged a fart...go home or ride the night out?Never mind, the bouncer made the decision for me...be home soon
My grandpa is talking about laundry and he asked if i could run a "small hot load." Wow. I had to leave the room.
Regardless, you never quit out of your interenet. You left your porn on the living room comp. Then you passed out four feet from the chair with your hand still down your pants. We decided that we should go back to her place instead. Worlds best wingman.
I feel like if I were on Intervention, I would have to be a season finale.
Never have I ever before welcomed her period with such enthusiasm. She was starting to pick out baby names. She got me "What to Expect When You're Expecting."
would really like to know how the teddy bear got super glued to my testicles.
Fucking freshmen need to learn how to puke in the bushes outside the dorm and not in the fucking elevator.
Well duh, alcohol and getting fucked up are the world's common languages.
How can I not totally like a guy that told me my boobs were too big for me to be taught how to play golf?
We hit a deer while we were singing an acapella version of "I will always love you"
I'm gonna play this game called Conquer the Dicks. I think it is self explanatory.
He asked me who my new boyfriend was and I showed him a picture of my sex toys.
I'm more than my video games and dildo collection
honestly the most stressful part of moving is the chance my mom will find my vibrator
i cant hook up i'm covered in egg rolls
Randomize