She made me put my jeans under her mattress so that I wouldn't leave in the morning while she was still sleeping. Apparently I just look like "that guy".
You dont understand he had a split tongue thats bucket list worthy.
Of all the things I am low enough to do, how could you even doubt if that was one of them?
Believe it or not, Travis and I simultaneously breaking beer bottles over eachothers heads was not a good idea.
...then she kept trying to make balloon animals with my flacid penis. I'm never drinking whisky with you again.
Code red. She won't talk to me. Maybe it has something to do with her raccoon eyes. Perry said there was a brief moment of towel fighting until you passed out. Did you draw the turtle on my ass?
Finally better. I had to use eye makeup remover to get the purple wine stains off my lips
Do you ever feel like a plastic bag?!
I may or may not go. send a pic of a nipple so I know how much fun you're having
We found him in the neighbors shed using a bicycle as a blanket. We just left him there.
I made that picture of you my lock screen. So I've just been standing around at work licking my phone all day.
it'll be like a game of Russian Roulette, but with my vagina.
I was at a crossroads, dude. Like, do I wanna eat chicken McNuggets or talk about my feelings?
Haha just talked to the dude you bit on Thursday. He has been growing a beard to hide the bruising....
She puked on the floor because she said she really liked to clean.
Randomize
