weed, chlorine, and victory. my bed smells like i had sex with michael phelps.
do you remember putting condoms over both your hands and asking me if your fists would be too big.
Actions speak louder than pants.
He told me all about his plan for proposing to his girlfriend as pillow talk.
He nailed 50 frozen hamburgers to the ceiling last night. Now there are flies every where.
So hungover. They actually hid easter eggs around me.
So I found "Fat chicks in saran wrap" in my search history.
That's all you talk about when you are wasted.
They poured beer (3 cans) down the toilet so bubbles can be drunk in fishy heaven
OK! No more randoms over for the next month this is the third fucking time I caught a naked dude drinking my OJ in the middle of the night.
Also I'm sitting home alone with a big ass bowl of marshmallows right now just eating. It's so sad.
Apparently the Massachusetts Bay Transit Authority severely looks down on Chinese firedrills on a public bus
Yeah but the people love.
I saw that you sent me a photo and the first thing out of my mouth was "I swear if it's another photo of a dick poking out of a bubble bath"
Not only did I get beyond cray cray this weekend. My body has nursed itself to plentiful and impeccable health. Fuck you world, I am back.
I made everything so magnificently awkward in under 15 seconds. I am magic.
Hi, I put a dog in your house, I hope it's yours.
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