i live my life in a constant state of hangover.
you probably should not have drank the wine that everyone spits out. and the sad part, that was not even your low point last night
Tonight's Jeopardy categories were "Star Trek, Action Figures, Dinner For One, In Need of a Date, Still Living With Mom & Dad, You Have No Life." Beginning to think my life is the Truman Show.
Did you really just text me at 6:35 in the morning asking where the condoms were? I moved out a year ago.
I got the number from the girl at uhaul even after she saw me throw up all over the parking lot with a 6 pack in my hands.
Couldn't find any balloons, so we're doing whippets out of condoms. Being a ho has its benefits.
you stumbled up the stairs in your heels, pulled 23 one-dollar bills out of your bra and then went and puked in the toilet. didnt say a single thing to me the whole time
It was super embarrassing when I had to tell my brother, in front of my mother, that my wifi password was Drinkupbitches. Thanks for providing that lovely family moment.
If I learned anything from that one time I saw the last 10 minutes of oprah when they talked about the secret, it is that you project what you receive back. I also have wine.
All right, sex is off the menu for you. Now you just get friendship. So I can spend marginally less time being annoyed by you.
Tent sex on an air mattress requires balance and flexibility. Not for the faint of heart
After we'd both come, we started writing a book about dragons. Woke up this morning to a full English breakfast. Can't thank you enough for introducing us
We were fucking in the bedroom then we heard Sports center on in the living room. He stopped midfuck when I started celebrating that my team won over his
Are you rolling a joint while doing homework?
No, I am rolling a joint with my homework.
I just sharted for the first time in my life. Age 33. Lying in bed. Sober. 2021 is off to a great start!
Randomize
