I think my guts just had a chinese fire drill
Didn't tell him I was on my period. Then had to surreptitiously remove some uterine lining from his cock.
I've been deciding between brands of bagels for 20 minutes. This why I doint smoke weed.
what the fuck a piece of candy corn just came out of her nose
I told him "thank you for wearing a turtleneck yesterday, I no longer have a strong erg to have sex with you. " He is no longer speaking to me.
No sexy Asian girl. No comfy bed. I'm just gonna lie here in the hall next to the garbage can until someone comes home.
Just witnessed my roommate pick her nose and eat it in her sleep. Remember, you made out with that.
You're getting spoiled, you better send me at least a side boob pic if you wanna see my dick dressed up as Davie Crockett.
So you are wearing a heart monitor while drinking?
Yea, they said carry on with my everyday activity.
She wouldn't eat a clam- if you blow a line pregnant you can eat a clam
I woke up with a cutting board and a bag of uncooked pasta next to me.
I'm in the line at Chipotle thinking: "What combo will best prepare my body for the open bar I'm going to subject it to tonight?"
I just need some of your time and all of your body.
I'm having shoppers remorse over a dildo
You don't feed me, fuck me, or fulfill me.
Randomize
