Going to spend my cab money on more shots and just take the ambulance home
worst morning ever. completed my walk of shame home to find my parents, grandma, and priest had come down to surprise me on my birthday. now i'm in the car with them to go get my car from the bar.
this one can actually spell my name, that's a shoe-in
I will never underestimate my ability to drunken ramble. At one point last night i think i was talking about hieroglyphics
new level of vanity: sex dreams about deep throating myself...
They have an open bar at this baby shower. I was born to be Cuban.
It was pretty bad. Like cum-on-my-face-while-singing-Let-It-Snow bad.
What's grosser: using a dirty sex towel as an oven mitt? or using the oven to reheat superbowl bean dip for dinner?
I deem her datable let the dance of attraction commence
5% want to drink juice and feel better, 95% just want to touch your butt
These beer shits have taken over my entire life.
He went down on me and then made me breakfast in bed. He's a man you can bring home to mom.
I'm currently hiding from this horrific thing that we call adulthood. If anyone needs me, I'll be smoking a bowl in the bouncy house.
That's good. So do you know why there is a giant pile of old tires in the laundry room and kitchen?
Well we knew you needed some tires, found someone on the way home who was giving them away and took them all. Has to be 4 in there you can use.
I forgot to bring soap and all I could find here was body wash. It's like bathing with laundry detergent.
Randomize
