I'm not to broken up about it. Our relationship was worse than a coldplay song.
So I purposely left a bunch of metal in my pockets so that the smokin hot TSA officer would give me a pat down. Airport security just got fun
Just passed on a threesome. I'm too old for that kind of morning after.
Also, at 1:30 I emailed myself saying, "are you there Margaret? It's me, god"
Totalylr drunk. Coveredc in cryola marker. Loving it. Straight men everywhere. Don't be surprises when I'm pregbat romorrowwwww
Grilled cheese and whiskey for lunch is why i should NEVER be a housewife.
And if it was a miscarriage you should figure out whose it was. He must be an alphamale for his offspring to sustain life this long in the amusement park that is your body
you invented a new sport called "bacon pulling" and you cried everytime a piece broke
I already googled the effects of Molly with my antibiotics, I should be fine.
Why is there even a knowledge base for that?!
I can't wait til I'm a real grown up and am no longer expected to take 7 shots of raspberry ruby as a pregame to a night of drinking natty lite
This drunk lesbian I just met keeps trying to shove sushi in my mouth. Help.
I got my nipples pierced. If you haven't seen my boobs in the past week, you're among the minority
Amanda, I can 99.9% assure you i'm probably never going to bang your mom
I DON'T LIKE THAT SENTENCE
Idk how I even got accepted into college because literally the only things my brain ever thinks about are YouTube videos of baby animals and sex.
I was watchin a porno and I sware I saw that dude at the bar at applebees the other night
Randomize
