I just remembered I gave a homeless man a ride to his bridge last night.
coulda been worse. everyone in the drunk tank got free mcdonalds breakfast
I stole a road cone for their 13 yr old son. Apparently I told him to put Christmas lights on it, and "treat her like a lady."
This honesty session brought to you by jagermeister inc.
They just asked a fat guy to move to the other side of the plane. Send me a pic of your tits incase we crash
Is your answer to that text seriously a right parenthesis
SHE GRABBED MY FULLY ERECT DICK IN A BAR AND STUCK HER TONGUE DOWN MY THROAT AND I COULD NOT CLOSE
I apologized for the whole SWAT team incident to the roommate.
He called from a stranger phone to say. He was a t a liquior store and there was a long line they have no condoms. This is the guy i was gonna go on a date with
Atleast he is letting you know he will be late
We can't go back there. Ever. No context required, just know it's true.
I should not be this drunk in a place where a girl is wearing a princess dress
You screamed "i promise ill stop blowing your brother" in the middle of a packed restaurant at 1pm. We should maybe rethink our relationship.
I wanted to say, you're welcome for your orgasms, thanks for not returning the favor, Needledick
I feel like I shouldn't be left around 30 year olds when I'm drunk
You now have a new job. Call me around 1pm everyday and make sure I've eaten something. All I've had today is dick and cheesecake.
Randomize
