stuffed animals make me feel really maternal.
maybe i'll make good life choices and keep my legs closed. periodically txt me friday and saturday night saying "baby carrot round 2" that should stop me.
i have a wrist watched drawn on my wrist that it says shot o clock
some people offered us free beer as long as we shotgunned it and after you shotgunned four without pausing they took their offer back
The chick I hooked up with last night is my girlfriend older sister. Who is in town visiting. Who I just met. Who I just had dinner With. Who is here along with their parents and the whole family. How did my luck get so bad?
It's a piss down the stairs of the hotel kind of night
Note for the future: whiskey syrup is AMAZING on 3am pancakes.
I think I fell in love with her when I saw her kick a freshman in the chest
Apparently she hired a private investigator when he took out a restraining order on her. So the answer is no, I didn't hit it.
I ACCIDENTALLY SUPER LIKED HIM. I JUST DELETED TINDER FROM MY PHONE.
The first thing my Christmas gift money is buying is a dildo.
dont go in the freezer to fetch your weed. my vibrator may or may not be in there. not sayin, just sayin
is caitlin alive?
ya she's alive she's watching a movie
ok remind her she drank toilet water then.
Being single again makes you realize how guys can go from licking your asshole one night to never texting you again
Remember the guy with the pretty voice that gave us crabs?
Randomize
