I got vodka in my stocking. Having an alcoholic mom has paid off.
so explain to me why i woke up in jail this morning
because you opened a jar or pickles and a bag of fritos and layed down in the middle of aisle 7 while singing 'la cucaracha'
no more ever clear
I just looked at my iPhone gps history... "the gas station", "the park with a big scary fence", "the trampoline", and, my favorite, "where we were when we were about to do lines off a bible".
oh my god i'm in a crawl space
apparently i saved myself a memo last night titled "cake" and all it says is "i love it so much"
I DON'T CARE LET'S GET DRUNK AND GO. I STRAIGHTENED MY HAIR DO THIS FOR ME.
he has decreed that i can sleep with anyone who has the same name as him. line up all the toms
He may only be 25% black, but after that sexual experience I am 100% never going back.
I feel like you just railed me after that sext
I'm FaceTiming Pizza Hut.
There's a chance I told a cop that I was ready for him to strip I may have even taken some ones out of my purse and stuck them in his holster
Your birthday is now over. Your day in the spotlight has dimmed and now you're as special as everyone else. The world goes back to revolving around me. Good night.
WHY IS SHE PANDERING YOU, A SIMPLE GOBLIN, TINY WEENER PICTURES OVER STATE LINES
I'm hungover from the 8pm vodka and still drunk from the 5am beer.
Our livers are going to hate us.
It's okay, they're regenerative. God wanted this.
Randomize
