Just caught my bro jerking off to a lane Bryant catalog
Worst part was I had to fart super bad and didn't want to ruin the room so I farted in a pillow and threw it under the bed.
you wouldnt answer to anything but devil's advocate all night.
I'm going to skip that pointless convo with Mark, stick with the "we're talking" status, and bone barely legal, borderline gay, preppy guys on the DL.
Rooting for you and your team in the Beer Olympics this afternoon...! Love you, Mom
I don't go on dates. I watch tv and play with dicks. dinner is a situation.
Wow way to turn my death into an oppurtunity to get laid
He was all like, "I think ur the one that got away and I miss you." I replied, "I gave u a hand job once in your hot tub. No need to wax nostalgic about it."
Wonderful brian is stoned out of his mind, floating in a lawn chair in the hot tub eating a giant plate of macaroni and staring at the moon
Matt says that there are strip club auditions in our living room and he'd like you to audition.
It might have taken me 30 minutes but I finally finished the toast I made. That hungover.
Monday funday. I brushed my teeth with antibacterial soap. hangover I did not have.
On a scale of 1 to i should hide, how deep did i dig my grave?
He wouldn’t know a good thing if it bit him on the ass. Which, btw, I did.
lord you gonna make me abandon my soup for tasteful catboy nudes
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